Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
