theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
