So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
