I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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