btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
