bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
