when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
