If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
