I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
