Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
