I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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