Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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