I feel great
I just peed on a car
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
