Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
