Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
