There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Randomize
