I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
