im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
