If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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