you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
