i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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