she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
