Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
