just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
