Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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