I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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