Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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