trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
