I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
