the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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