She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Randomize
