Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
