Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
