i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My ATM looks so different sober.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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