Having a random hookup so left but love u
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
