I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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