I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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