I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sober January is a disaster.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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