The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
