Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
