I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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