If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My liver just had a heart attack.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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