somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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