I must be too annoying 4 u.
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
