am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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