when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
