I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
