I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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