she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
