since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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