Rock
Scissors
Fuck
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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